When my grandfather died, it felt like my whole world fell apart.
It felt like I was being pulled out of reality or worse, it felt like reality was beginning to pull the curtains down from my eyes allowing me to see its true nature. I was also beginning to see my own life in a whole new different perspective. But if that was reality, I wouldn't know what confusion is. It seemed I was more confused than I have ever been in my entire life.
Once or twice in our lives, we encounter things that we regret doing and even not doing. The good point or perhaps the greatest point in our lives would actually be having done something or was able to to something to rectify that regret. But the most depressing would be knowing that you can never do something about it...ever...
But when my grandfather died, my whole world crumbled into this little pieces that I know would be hard for me to pick up easily. I did more than mourn for him. I cried my heart out. He meant the world to me. Nobody could have known it for I was not the type to wear her heart out on her sleeve. I thought the 'big man' was immortal. I thought he was gonna be there forever. So even though I have always wanted to kiss him and tell him how much I loved him, I did not. I saved it for another time that I thought we were always gonna have. But time was actually running out. And that is one of my greatest regret in life. I was not able to show affection when I have all the chance and all the time in the world. Well, because, I am just not that kind of person. It is very difficult to express emotions in my world. And the greatest depression is, no matter how hard I tried, how hard I cried, I can never ever tell my grandfather all the things I wanted to say, all the things I wanted to do...ever...
...for he is gone forever but in my heart...
And I am not sure that I'd be able to pick up the little pieces entirely.
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my grandfather died April 16, 2001
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